I know I have been AWOL for quite some time. My other business kept me pretty busy last year having to do 51 events in 34 weeks will do that to a person. In the midst of travel, shows, production of replacement products and the exhaustion that is menopause I just stayed away. I would peek in from time to time and read your blogs and miss this side of me terribly. But this side of me is also painful for me, because as much as I love sex, the lack of it in my life over the last 3 years has weighed on me heavily. Toss in the last months of Mother Nature and her menopausal games and I was a high strung mess of emotions and anger and exhaustion.
I have kind of given up on the idea of ever having sex again… ever. I know it will never happen with my husband again. Not through anything he did or I did, just an after effect of fucked up nerves and muscles that can never be repaired. So I have learned to look at that as a death, death I was not wanting, still don’t want but have to accept. Which, as any good grieving situation requires me, because I am who I am, to eat my feelings. So I gained weight, bigger than I have ever been in my life and I hate that too. So I am finally working towards getting that back under control and while I was not weighing as much as I was feeling like I did, I weigh more than I am happy with so it has to go. Then the birth of 2 new grandbabies made me feel old on top of that, my hormones out of whack and my period playing peek a boo skipping months I had a recipe for a disaster. Finally in January I had what I thought was my last period after a year of off the wall cycle. 6 months nothing. Until I found Tiktok.
Ya’ll some of the men on that site. Literally my ovaries started cramping again like oh shit we can make eggs for that right there yes we can. I shit you not they were comatose. Then boom. By that time I was like yeah no bitch, no.. this factory is closed, keep those old eggs.. but damn leave the playpen. And then the mind started playing out naughty things. So many of the naughty things..
So step one, get control of this mind again, so here I am. Once I get the jumbled thoughts together they will flow, they always do..
This me saying Hey, I am still alive, and aroused, even though I was certain that was never coming back, it did.
Now what to do with it?? Because at this point with 3 years of zero sex and giving up on self play because it is never as good and never enough, I will hurt the first one I get to have time with.. like seriously hurt him….in a good way but a scary kind of shit she wasn’t playing with what was gonna happen kind of way.. does that make sense…